Photo Shoot

My book is at print and arriving SOON. The holdup has been some minor, last-minute edits and, my biggest issue, the “head shot.” Ugh.

As a teenager, I used to not be afraid of being noticed, standing out, being different. I’d jump in front of a camera anytime, anywhere, blithely unaware of how the shot came out because the evidence wasn’t revealed for at least a week. I was a theatre girl. I wore hats of all types with abandon. Life was just one big costume box to be explored.

But then, motherhood came and my role became the gal behind the camera ... in a t-shirt and yoga pants. I kind of lost my photo mojo.

And so, when the subject of a photo shoot for my book came up, my daughters had a bit of an intervention with me. It was like an updated, more humiliating version of the high school senior photo shoot from 1982. “Mom, you are pretty woman,” they said to me. “But your photos don’t look good because you’re not posing right.” They proceeded to stage a sample photo shoot with me, coaching me on where to look. “Look up, but not like that.” “Smile, but not too hard.” Or, “Smile with your eyes.” And then, “Mom ... you’ve got to stop talking.”

That’s the other thing ... most of the photos of me are awful because that moment just as the photo is being taken makes me so nervous. That silence when everyone is holding their stomachs in the lifting their chin? Hate it. Cringe. It all feels so ... fakey. Consequently, I am always the dolt in the shot who is in mid-sentence, talking, looking the wrong way or blinking when everyone else is paying attention, looking forward, and taking a decent photo.

But, no more. I need my children and someday, grandchildren to know that, you know, I had some good hair days. I am committed to at least trying to pose, smile, lift my damned chin (but not too much) and have a halfway decent, not completely horrible photo. Yes, Millennials, I know that photos can be edited, but who has time?

My sainted mother was quite photogenic ... or at least that’s what the record shows. I know for a fact that she would often either rip up any photos that were unflattering or cut herself out of them, leaving the photo to look like a hastily edited ransom note. I guess she was ahead of the curve on the whole photo editing thing.

So, I a am proud to say, thanks to the talents of photographer Tom Kondilas (and a tiny shot of tequila), I have some actually nice photos and head shots that I am proud to share and include in my book, What the Farm? Not sure if I look like an “author” or not ... but at least I am not talking or blinking.

What the Farm? Poignant & Profane Stores from My Unplanned Life is coming soon!

Just Keep Swimming

I just completed a wonderful beach vacation where I was fortunate enough to go scuba diving with my husband, my best friend and her husband in gorgeous Caribbean waters. Unlike my mermaid friend who honestly is in, on, under, through or around water pretty much 100% of the time, scuba diving does not come naturally to me. Even though I am a certified diver, every time I go diving, I get into an anxious state: Will the seas be rough? Will I get seasick? Do I remember how to dive? Will there be sharks? Anything else scary? Will there be a strong current?

We get up early on dive days, and I make sure to eat a big breakfast to assuage any seasickness, I lather on all that sunscreen. Oh, and I’m a morning pooper, so got to do that as well. And I’m a nervous pooper, so there are many bathroom visits before rushing out the door. I don’t move fast in the morning either, so it’s all a bit unnerving for me.

But I do dive ... I make myself get to the back of the boat, don all that ridiculous gear, breathe in, breathe out, take the step into the water – SPLASH!  -- and then … it is lovely, serene, colorful, fascinating, beautiful.  

The thing about scuba diving is that it really forces you to be “in the now”, in the moment. All the troubles and worries of the day, of life, necessarily are pushed aside because all your attention is on breathing, watching, being vigilant on your air consumption, your dive buddy, your depth. Oh, and sharks. It was nice to be down there, away from my worrying and fussing about the how-to’s of publishing, my self doubts and all that crap.

Coming up from deep blue, watching my bubbles rise above me, it occurred to me that this book project I’m working on is much like my diving expeditions. It is unnerving, going off into new territory. It is scary, not knowing exactly what lies beneath the surface of this whole endeavor. And it’s a bit nauseating. Will I be ridiculed? Humiliated? Embarrassed? Will the seas of social media be rough? Will there be sharks out there?

Maybe ...

My hope is that instead, I will find all sorts of new experiences through this process: connect with other colorful writers, relate with lovely readers, and get beautifully inspired. So, I’m fighting through the nausea, looking forward to an upcoming meeting with my editor (keep breathing, keep breathing) and another meeting with a graphic artist to talk about cover designs. Eeep! The biggest shark in the water that worries me is the – gulp – “author photo shoot.” God help me, I am a spaz at getting my picture taken. If I can just stop chatting with the photographer and hold a pose for a second, we might get a decent shot.

Sigh ... The only way forward is through. Right?

Breathe in, breathe out, take the plunge ... SPLASH!

I’ll keep you posted on how it goes!

Thanks for reading my stuff!

Love,

Mary